You can use a speech to say a few words at a birthday party or speak at a formal function. They can be short, long, humorous or (and) serious…  Just tell me what you want.

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For a bridesmaid:

Soon you’ll be Mr and Mrs, that’s Mr and Mrs for real
No XXXX hen do game, this is your actual rehearsal meal

You two met at a wedding, for X it was love at first sight
XX didn’t stand a chance, and liked that you both could skite

X threw her phone across the room, he didn’t text me back, she cursed
I knew then it was serious and she didn’t know work came first

Gleneagles was covered in snow, when he took her to the hotel
On a walk he whipped out a ring, and with great passion he said ‘Well?’

Of course X wanted some romance, after a few drinks and no shame
She gushed at length why she loved him, when it was his turn, he said ‘Same’

But he’s caring, kind and funny, he’ll do anything for a friend,
From helping out in a crisis, to clearing a blocked u-bend

She’s organised but always late, generous, clever and witty
She loves with every bit of her heart, and of course she’s very pretty

Thanks for letting me share your day, I hope I’ll be your friend for years
I know you will both be happy, as XX’s learned to say ‘yes dear’

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A Leaving do goodbye speech:

(We might not get the references – remember, these are personalised – but this went down well.)

We are all gathered here today
To say goodbye to Alan Gray

He has been here for twenty years
Back when this place was in arrears

He thinks it’s thanks to him we’re flush
So now I’m going to make him blush

You did way more that that in fact
How many people have you sacked?

You also put in brand new loos
And made it hard which lunch to choose

The uniforms are really smart
And nothing here now falls apart

We’re proud to work at xxx
Especially as we’ve all lost weight

So raise your glass of lukewarm beer
And let’s give Alan three loud cheers

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An excerpt from a Best Man’s speech which I wrote for a nervous customer who couldn’t think what to say:

And so we turn now to the Bride
the one and only Jilly
Who’s taken my good influence
And turned NAME all silly.

He thinks of home, not opening time
Does family visits and stuff
He’s off to shops and going through lists
He’s soft this lad not tough

What’s happened to my drinking pal,
My beer buddy, my bro?
He’s left me for a new life
…. And it’s right that he should go.

For his new bride is beautiful
She’s clever and she’s gentle
If he hadn’t snapped her up
We’d have said he’s really mental

I’m honoured to be their friend
And will you please now join me
In drinking to their future happiness
And prosperity

 

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And here’s a joint speech which was for a bride and groom:

We did it! We’re married. I’m Mrs X…!
It’s taken two years to get to this day
We welcome you to our celebration
Thank you for coming – some from far away

And more thank yous, firstly to our parents
For all you have done – you’re stars each of you
To the groomsmen and of course my best man
Who did their jobs well and look so good too

Thank you, bridesmaids, for being there for me
And no complaints about wearing what I said
Sincere thanks to every one of you
And please join in the dancing that’s ahead

Now we come to the lovey-dovey stuff
The bit where you are all meant to say ‘aaah’
But it is true when I say that XX
Means more to me than a luxury car

He is such a romantic, my husband
I will have to get used to saying that
Well, my husband, it is true when I say
That I love you more than I do my cat

You can see we share a sense of humour
But that’s just a small part of what we’ve found
I know X is my forever soul mate
Gorgeous, clever and fun to be around

Oh my husband is now making me blush
But I love him so much it makes me ache
We’ll stop now as we have a toast to do
And of course it is time to cut the cake.

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Thank you to parents on their Golden Wedding Anniversary:

Mum and Dad, XXXXXXXXXX
We’re here to ‘celebrate love’ once more
This time fifty years of married life
A milestone we can’t ignore.

It started when a young hairdresser
Was told to be ready at eight
Always one to be direct
She knew they’d be soul mates.

She says ‘aah, look at daddy’
When she sees a photo of her Prince
She learned to cook and be a wife
And it’s how she’s treated him since

Though an MBE he loves nonsense
And his sneezes go worldwide
But as his wife looks like a movie star
He’s proud to stay by her side

They keep romance alive by dancing
When they’re home together alone
And though they’re busy with golf and bridge
They always have time for the phone

And that’s how you’ve inspired us
Why the XX clan is so strong
Family is our safe place
Whether things are going right or wrong

We’re all there for each other
And tonight we’re all here for you
To say thank you mum and dad
For all you’ve done, for all you still do.

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Maid of Honour speech

I’m the ‘slightly’ older sister
of my ‘lil sis’ XX
who today became the wife
of one very lucky XX

He’s been trained to fold the tea towels
In her particular way
And he loads the dishwasher right
Just as well or she’ll make him pay

But, be warned, just don’t reach out
And pinch one of her Ricicles
Stay away from her cereal
Or you’ll be on your bicycle

When I heard she was to be born
I went into a state of shock
Now she’s more than my best friend
She’s my confidante and my rock

We knew that on your wedding day
You would be a beautiful bride
But you look just incredible
No wonder XX’s filled with pride

I’m delighted that you two met
XX’s chatty while he’s quite chilled
They make a lovely family
And we all couldn’t be more thrilled

So let’s celebrate their love
Raise your glasses and give three cheers
To lovely ‘lil sis’ and XX
We wish you many happy years